Roy Exum: Thanksgiving Eve

Wednesday, November 22, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
I don’t know who was the first to do the Famous Pregnant Turkey prank but I’ll bet you a handful of giblets there will be a lot of copycats who try it today. The trick is finding a Cornish hen that is small enough to stuff inside the larger turkey. Then you skillfully pack the bird with some of that sausage-sage dressing and put your Thanksgiving dinner in the oven.
When all of your guests arrive and want to help in the kitchen, the easiest victim will usually be a teenager. Hand them a long-handled spoon and ask them to scoop out the dressing into a serving dish. Don’t worry … when the teen finds the turkey’s “baby” the last thing on their mind will be that baby turkeys are actually hatched from eggs.
In the last four days I’ve asked a dozen people -- “What is a giblet” – and I’m batting 12-0 because not one in my random selection could define a word only used at Thanksgiving. A turkey’s giblets are the neck, heart and liver of the bird. Elegant cooks use these “other parts” to make … giblet gravy.
That established, here are some funnies to get you in just the right place before you depart your diet tomorrow: (Note: These jokes were gleaned from the Internet)
* * *
“When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.  Only kidding.  It was the cat.” -- David Letterman
* * *
It was just before Thanksgiving in Walmart, and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a butcher’s assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'
* * *
The Taylor's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars. 
They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them.  Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair. 
The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:
“Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, yet his death came as a great shock.”
* * *
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
'Please let me in, 'says the man desperately. 'I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.'
'Okay, 'says the butcher.' Let me see what I have left.' He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
'That's one is too skinny. What else you got?' says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
'Oh, no, 'says the man, 'That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!'
* *  *
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'
'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'
'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum.  'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'
'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the airplane ticket.'  "Airplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'
'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'
* * *
“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -- Oprah Winfrey

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